You Thu'umed My Heart
by FlossSwallower
Summary: Dovahkiin's little quest for marriage. (Little comedy I thought up when I heard Ysolda liked mammoth's tusks.)


"An Amulet of Mara? You're not married?"

Dovahkiin's eyes widened and then his eyelids lowered as he tried to strike a cool pose, his elbows awkwardly trying to find a place to rest on the short wall behind him.

"You-uh-You're interested in me, eh?" he tried to say in his coolest voice.

The female trader gave him a sturgeon face and looked him up and down. Her name was Ysolda.

"Maybe. Say, you're quite the adventurer, aren't you?" she asked.

Dovahkiin stood up from the wall, puffing his chest out a bit, not too much to look ridiculous, but hopefully just enough. "Oh, yeah, totally. I killed Alduin, I killed, um…. I killed draugr, I killed skeletons, I killed other dragons, I killed even bigger dragons, I killed dragons even bigger than that, then there were these super huge dragons I killed-

"Yes, yes, yes, I know, I know, you are Dragonborn, but how many mammoths have you killed?" she asked.

Dovahkiin gave her a weird look. "Mammoths?"

"Yes, mammoths, how many have you killed?" she asked.

Dovahkiin thought. "Um, I don't know, probably not too many, I mean, giants are pretty friendly," he said.

"Could you kill a mammoth? I want its tusk," she said.

Dovahkiin gave her another weird look. Why would you want a mammoth's tusk? "Um, sure, yeah, mammoth? Oh, totally, I can just punch that tusk out," he said.

"Good. Maybe then we can see about that Amulet of Mara," she said, turning around and walking away.

Dovahkiin stood frozen for a second, then turned around. He pulled his hand out, a dark blue, withering smoke appearing in one hand, and blasted the ground next to him. A gigantic dark blue, withering ball of smoke appeared, which would be quite exciting to see if you weren't Dovahkiin, who saw it everyday, and started to disintegrate, a man appearing. The man who appeared had a dark red face, two horns coming out of it, donning heavy Daedric armor. He was a Dremora Lord, but for lack of a better name, Dovahkiin had named him Dremora.

"Dremora, we've got to go kill a mammoth," he said, very business-like, walking briskly.

"Of course, master, what does this mammoth hold that we need?" he asked.

"Its tusk," Dovahkiin said.

"Why do we need its tusk?" Dremora asked.

"Babies…. Maybe… Later on, but for now, marriage," he said.

"Um…. Are you alright, master?" Dremora asked.

"Yeah, sure. I think Shadowmere's a little sick, though-"

"Shadowmere is immortal, she can take no damage," Dremora said.

"Nothing's immortal after they have to eat my cooking," Dovahkiin said.

"You cooked for her? Oh, master, you should have called me," Dremora replied.

"I know, I know, but I was out of magicka and we were really starving," Dovahkiin said sadly.

"How do you propose we get there, master?" Dremora asked.

Dovahkiin stopped walking and faced Dremora with a smile. He slapped his hand down on Dremora's shoulder.

"The good ol' fashioned way. We'll call Odahving. Hey, guard," Dovahkiin said as they started walking again.

"Wait, I know you."

-BREAK-

"HOLYCRAPHOLYCRAPHOLYCRAP!" Dovahkiin shouted as he sawed away and sawed away at the tusk. Why was it so hard to get off?!

He looked again behind him. Another blast of fire lit the night valley as Odahving hovered about the dozens of fighting guards and the three giants. The situation had gotten quite a bit out of hand. It was hard to explain, but what had happened was Odahving had dropped Dovahkiin off right next to a mammoth, but the mammoth saw him and got mad, alerting the giant. From there, it was a hopeless sprint to the nearest city, to find help as a giant and the mammoth chased him, but unfortunately, they ran into two other giants along the way. Eventually, Dovahkiin did reach the city, and now there was blood everywhere, and guts, and arrows, and bloodied swords. Dovahkiin positively hated mammoths by now. The sound they made when they died, agh.

"Let me do it, master!" Dremora shouted as an arrow whizzed right past Dovahkiin's nose.

Dovahkiin stepped back as Dremora lifted his heavy sword high up in the air, and then brought it down on the tusk. The tusk caught on fire.

"Dang it! Quick, to the other tusk! You handle the angry guards and giants!" Dovahkiin shouted as he leaped over the flaming tusk, to the other side.

Dremora nodded and sprinted off into the direction of the battle.

"I HONOR MY LORD… BY DESTROYING YOU!"

Dovahkiin started working on the mammoth tusk, sawing away as hard as he could with his sword. He wished he had an axe.

"Halt, citizen! You have committed crimes against Sky- AAAGGHHH!"

"Oh, crap! Sorry, Bob, was that you? Oh, man!"

Dovahkiin continued working on the tusk, ignoring the shot guard in front of him.

"Why. Would. You. Want. A. Mammoth's. Tusk?!" Dovahkiin shouted in between saws.

"Bitches be crazy, master!" Dremora shouted.

"Gah!" Dovahkiin shouted, standing up, furious with the tusk. He hefted his sword up in the air and struck the mammoth's tusk, over and over with the sword.

_Crraaacck_

Dovahkiin froze, looking down at the tusk. It was broken off! YES!

"Let's work on getting out of here, Dremora!" he shouted as he kneeled down, groaning as he struggled to pick up the tusk. He'd broken off too large a piece. Oh well.

"OH…. DAH VING!" he shouted into the night air, groaning yet again as he stood up, his feet wobbly and staggering around a bit under the huge weight of the tusk.

"OP!" he shouted as he collapsed, the mammoths tusk falling right on his chest. He groaned, trying to push it off and stand up. A huge wall of dirt flew up into the air as Odahving landed, causing Dovahkiin to cough violently.

"Dremora! Dremora, help get this thing off of me and put it on Odahving's neck!" he shouted.

"Yes, master!" Dremora shouted, trucking over and easily lifting the tusk off, then ringing it around Odahving's neck.

Dovahkiin sprinted up to Odahving and leaped on.

"Come on, Dremora!" he shouted, putting out a hand.

The Daedric armor gloved hand clasped around Dovahkiin's, a little bit slippery with blood, and hoisted its owner up.

"Holy crap, you're heavy," Dovahkiin gasped after Dremora was on. "GO, GO!" he shouted as Odahving lifted up into the air, flying off.

-BREAK-

The rain poured down heavily on the city of Whiterun, striking the cobblestone road and the few tired guards who still had to patrol, along with the vendors. There was another person outside in Whiterun, though, named Dovahkiin. He wore the heavy mammoth's tusk on his back, strapped in on his armor, his hair wet and matted down as his eyes darted around the city, stopping in the town square where all the vendors worked, looking from stand to stand. His eyes finally settled on the tanned, darker Nordic face of Ysolda.

"Ysolda, Ysolda!" he said, running over, pulling out the mammoth's tusk.

Ysolda's eyes widened as she looked at the gigantic tusk, then back at Dovahkiin. "What is it?" she said.

"I got the mammoth's tusk, Ysolda!" he said, resting the gigantic tusk against the stand, which shook the weak assembly of wooden sticks a bit, then settled.

"What mammoth's tusk, what are you talking about?" she said.

"The-the one you asked me to get, here, have it," he said.

"Ohhh," she said, laughing loudly. Dovahkiin continued to just look at her, frozen in place, not knowing what to do. "That one! Oh, yes, about the Amulet of Mara!" she said, her laughter calming down, "Sven already gave me one! He's a Whiterun guard! I'm married, see?" she continued, holding up her hand, her ring wet and glistening in the rain.

Dovahkiin remained silent.

"I'm going inside, Dragonborn, to spend time with my new husband! I really do appreciate the effort, though," she said, taking the mammoths tusk and dragging it with her away from her stand. She opened the door to her cottage, light pouring out, and traded some words with whoever was inside as she stepped inside, the door closing and the light disappearing.

Dovahkiin still remained silent, standing, unmoving, in the rain, his wet hair hanging down in front of his eyes and blocking them from anyone's view, still continuing to stare ahead as the rain beat down on Whiterun. One of his hands moved, but the rest of him remained frozen, the dark blue, withering smoke appearing in it again as he blasted the ground by him. The dark blue, withering ball of smoke appeared yet again, and it disintegrated, Dremora appearing. He looked cheerful at first, covered in blood, but then saw Dovahkiin. He looked at him for a moment, both of them silent, then smiled slightly and slapped his arm around Dovahkiin's shoulders, pulling him around and forcing him into a walk as they started down the streets of Whiterun.

"Plenty of other fish in the sea," he said.

Dovahkiin was still silent.

"Besides, that Aella chick? Totally got the hots for you, bro," Dremora said.

Dovahkiin was silent for a moment, then said, "Really?"

"Totes. Hey, whadda ya say we go get some awesome armor, get Uthgerd to come, come back here, walk in that total bitch's house, and get that jerk who took her's head on a stick, huh?" Dremora said.

Dovahkiin smiled slightly.

"Totes," he said.


End file.
